The Year of the Phoenix

Well, another year is over.  As some of you may know, this one's been a doozy for me.  I suppose it is time to reflect and foresee the future it has brought about. Lots of people would look at my year and focus on all the negative aspects of it.  Those aspects are pretty darn negative, so I understand how it would be easy to see things that way. I know that's what I would have done in the past for sure.

But it was in this year, that I found my strength.  It was this year, that I have had so many emotions, concepts, and philosophies all introduced to me.  This year has been quite a metamorphosis of sorts for me.  I would not be where I am today, in this very moment, if I had done anything differently.

I have this purple running headband that I wear, and it just simply says on it "the journey is the real reward".  This is something that I agree wholeheartedly on.  That's what life is to me.  It's just a long, amazing journey.  My journey would not be a journey if I didn't have times when things got hard. It's what we endure, that makes us stronger in the end. I've learned quite a bit about myself this year.  I've learned that I'm never just going to "know it all".  It's all a work in progress....from day one, to the day you die. I simply can't just dismiss this year saying to myself.. "Oh thank GOD that is over. Let's start over."  The thing is, it's what I learned from this year that prevents me from making any of the same poor choices again. You live, and you learn. That's why I'm definitely going to try and start to think more in the manner of, let's see why this year was important, take what you learned from it, and  truly appreciate it for helping you learn to move forward in the right direction.

 It was the year of the Phoenix for me.  Many highs, many lows.  I guess it was a sort of an exploration of my spirituality.  What I do know for sure, is that it was truly a learning experience...and for that, I am thankful this year occurred. I know that I have made huge mistakes, and I  know I have had huge successes, and I accept them all.  So here's to next year, and more knowledge and steps down that crazy path we call our lives.  Happy New Year.

Who's Life is This, Anyway?

So it's been a very difficult time for me lately. I've been going through quite an emotional crisis of sorts.  I am told I'm just "going through a mid-life crisis", but I think it's more than that. I think this is sort of a catharsis or something. I think it's taken me 38 years now to realize what I should have, so long ago.  I have only been living my life in regards to others, never for just...me.  Any decision that I make completely revolves around how other people will react, or how others will think of me.  I've struggled with this my entire lifetime.  I've never lived my life for me. Only rarely have I ever done something because it's something I want to do, and I just do it, no matter what anyone says. I think it's because I don't trust my own judgement.  I lack the confidence in myself to just say, "hey, I'm doing this, it's a good idea, and I feel right doing it. Period."  Or that I just have been raised to be a caring person, and I just took it to an extreme.  But hey, I'm a Scorpio, we do that.  Anyway. I often think that I need to start thinking more like the old oxygen mask analogy.  You know how on an airplane, they always suggest that if there is a pressure change in the cabin, place the oxygen mask over YOURSELF first, then place one on your child, etc.  I've been putting everyone else's oxygen mask on first.  I think I need to realize that if I'm not happy, no one else will be either. Thing is, now that I've lived my whole life this way, it's just so hard to change it....actually start doing things for me. Because I WANT to.  How does one just, start?  Is there any way to gradually just ease into this new way of life? Or is my only choice to just jump in the deep end. Just go for it.  Honestly, I don't really know how I'm going to do this, but at least I've come to grips with the simple fact that it is an issue of mine. One that I need to work on, from now, until the day I die.  So, my first step is that I've started looking for jobs again.  Time to go out and get back to work.  Being a stay at home mom is wonderful, and an amazing opportunity to have had, but I simply can NOT do it anymore.  I think it makes my depression worse.  I think it makes me think negatively.  It makes me feel trapped.  So, I'm out there again.  I've lined up a few prospects, and hopefully at least ONE will work out.  So that's my step.  Whether I just sort of use it to head into the shallow end and gradually get used to it, or whether I just use it as a beginning to just jump in...I really haven't figured that out yet...but my heart is telling me to jump. My heart says, "this is NOT working for you Kristi. Let's try something else".  So, who knows. I guess all I can do is wait and see...

Alone, again.

So, I know it's been a while.  I must say, my depression has kept me very quiet lately. I guess I just wasn't feeling like I wanted to write so much.  But...I thought about it, and I finally decided that yes, indeed, it would help for me to just write, and get this out.  So, here goes:

So I've decided that my only fear isn't just my fear of spiders.  I also have an intense fear of being alone.  I just can't stand it.  I tend to withdraw, feel sad, and need SOMETHING to distract me from being alone.  I guess I'm just the kind of person that loves to talk to people. A lot.  Now, I realize that someone could easily say, "well, it's not like your daughter isn't there to keep you company".  This is true, but I am finding that I CRAVE adult conversation.  I enjoy having a true discussion with someone instead of saying, "How does a nice girl ask?" or "there is no reason to fuss!" over and over.  Now, don't get me wrong, I LOVE my daughter like nothing else.  She is my saving grace....my life.  But...I think I just need to be Kristi sometimes....not "Mommy".  So despite her being here, I just have found that I feel so alone during the day.  It's scary. It makes me feel anxious and sad. I suppose I somehow internalize it and feel like it's because no one WANTS to be with me.  In my wise mind, I know this isn't true, but my irrational self somehow wins almost every time.  I get really down on myself, and immediately think I've done this to myself.   A vicious cycle, if you will.

Now, here is the other issue.  I have this innate ability to absolutely smother people.  I just want people to be with me all the time. Maybe it's because I have this stupid fear of being alone.  I'm not sure.  I just know that I tend to pretty much force myself upon people.  Then, when they've had enough of me, and when all they need is a little space, I assume they are mad at me, or hate me.  I always think it's me, not them.  I am always so self absorbed.  I find myself wishing that was something I could work on changing, but it always seems to rear its ugly head.  I never understood why it is that I can't just let people have some space and time to themselves.  I just....can't.  Now I realize....it's because I'm completely petrified of being alone.  Maybe that's weak, maybe it's silly and irrational. Thing is, I just can't help it. The only thing I can do, is try to really change this time.  And I don't expect this overnight.  I know it will be a long process.  However, the simple fact that I have realized and accepted that I do, indeed, have this fear....is the first step to curing it.

Yeah, so what good am I?

Sometimes I wonder what it is that I have to offer.  It seems like for my whole life, I'd look at other people, and see their different talents.  I'd see something that I want to be.  It makes me wish I could be like them too.  Thing is, I just can't.  I don't have it in me. You either have it, or you don't.  I mean, there are things that I can do, but sometimes, I just want it to be something else.  I want to be someone else. Someone delightfully witty, and beautiful, and talented and funny.  Someone who knows what they are doing in life. I know people would probably say, "Well then, just DO it Kristi"  To which I would say...."well, easier said then done, my friend." 

Like how I just had a hypothetical conversation there?  Yeah, that's but ONE of the crazy things I do. Just smile, nod your head, and follow along. 

I wonder why it seems that no one is ever satisfied with what they have. No one ever wants what they have, and they never want to be who they are.  I don't know, maybe that just isn't true. Maybe it's just me.  Maybe this is just my main goal in life. To find happiness within myself. Right now, I rely on others to make me happy. It's just how it is.  One day, I hope to find the answer that will make me happy.  The thing that I need to make MYSELF happy.  As of right now, Bikram yoga is the probably the only thing that works.  I don't know if that's the end all to end all, or if that's just part of the recipe.  I suppose I'll just take this thing called life day by day and see how it goes. One day at a time. 

The Church of Love, and the Delicate Balance of Life

I have spent the morning crying on my couch. Sobbing. Why, you ask?  Because for the first time in my life, I just witnessed death.  I saw the life flow out of a living, breathing thing, right before my very eyes. A bird flew into my window, and broke its neck.  I heard the loud thump, then went out to see what happened.  I watched as the poor thing started to gasp for air.  It was tense, and in visible pain.  Then I saw its legs just relax.  The life literally poured out of him. I was taken aback.  I felt the most intense emotion welling up in me. Just watching the whole thing occur, I was overcome.  I was inundated with sadness. The bird's life was over.  Never again would it fly with the sunshine on its wings. It just seemed so, lifeless. So sad. Then a wave of "business mode" set in.  I had to take care of this.  I had to dispose of him. I didn't want my daughter to know about it, because why make her sad when she doesn't need to be. So, I pulled myself together, found a little box, picked up the poor lifeless soul, and placed him in.  The bird had blood coming from its beak.  It made my stomach drop.  Life is just so fragile.  So fragile.  I walked out behind my house.  I knew I had to get it out in the woods a bit, so there wasn't just a dead bird in my yard. Then I looked at my compost pile.  I decided to put it near that. I don't really know why I did, it was just far enough from the house, I suppose. Then I thought to myself, as I placed the freshly made earth over him, that it was life that brought him into this world, and it was a compost pile, a recycling of life that he will end it in. It seemed so symbiotic.  So full-circle. Then I looked around and I noticed the world around me.  It was so full of life. I decided that even though one life ended, there was so much life to celebrate.  Carpe diem.  I recalled a quote from my favorite poet, Rumi.

"Do not grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form."

 Rumi


I sat there with my feet on the leaves and dirt, and just had a moment.  I thought "I should say a prayer or something".  Then I realized, I'm really not a very religious person.  I believe in spirituality, but I feel like it's something that is so personalized. It's really different for everyone. What is spiritual for me, might not be for another person.  All I knew is I wanted to do something for this bird.  So I looked up, and I just "sent" the bird my love.  I believe in the power of emotion. I believe that the heart and soul is my religion. Love, is my religion. The Beatles said it right when they said, "All you need is love". I thoroughly agree. I feel if you have love in your heart, and if you feel love for others in this world, than you are truly blessed.

Who knew I could learn so much from a bird? I've decided that birds have become an important part of my life.  The connection I have with the Phoenix, the angry bird, this bird, my daughter's affection for birds...it's all connected.  They seem to be teaching me many lessons in life.  Ones that I will carry with me, for the rest of my days.

The angry bird and the cycle of misery.

For the last day and a half, I've been observing the birds outside at my feeders.  Other than the increase of cardinals I've had recently, (which makes me really happy, I love cardinals. ) things have been pretty normal.  Happy little chickadees, quiet little sparrows, even the occasional raid by a stray chipmunk or two.  However, yesterday, I made an observation that provoked some serious thought. There was a good size, very nondescript, brown bird out there.  My daughter and I decided to call it, the "angry bird", because he wouldn't stop chirping loudly at the other birds.  He was aggressive, confrontational, and just seemed to be generally pissed off at the whole bird world.  A little sparrow would simply fly up to the feeder for a little snack, and this bird would chirp loudly with a wide open mouth, non-stop. He would even fly up there and lock beaks with some of the birds eating.  It was almost like he was unwilling to share the seed with other birds.  Thing is, he wasn't eating the seed either.  It was like he was saying, "well, I'm not getting any, so I'm going to make it impossible and miserable for those who can."  And this bird was fearless too. I'd try to shoo him and his bad vibes away, but he would just look at me, as though he was saying " you can flap your arms at me all you want lady, but I ain't movin."  It's like he was just purposely sticking around to make everyone miserable.  Then I observed the other birds around him.  The normally sweet, quiet sparrows had started to fight over seed.  They were chirping loudly at each other in an angry, aggressive manner.  It's like, it was catching.  The bird had successfully brought a boatload of bad vibes to my feeders.  Now, I like to think I gave angry bird the benefit of the doubt.  I looked around to see if there was a nest he was defending or something.  Nothing. He was just a downright, miserable, angry bird.

So I started to really think about it.  I thought of the other birds, and how they were influenced by one angry bird.  I decided that what was occurring with the birds, is sort of parallel to how humans behave as well.  Say someone's having a really bad day.  They are stressed, miserable, and difficult to be around.  When we encounter a person like that, we are faced with a subconscious decision. We can go the easy route, and let that person rub off on us.  We can let the misery overtake us as well, just as the birds were doing.  OR, we can take the more difficult route.  We can see that the person is suffering inside, and instead of continuing the vicious cycle of misery, we can stop the cycle.  We can offer kindness and love to these people.  One of the most respected Zen masters, poet and peace activist Thich Nhat Hanh, has inspired this thinking in me.  One of my favorite passages by him reads:


"When another person makes you suffer, it is because he suffers deeply within himself, and his suffering is spilling over. He does not need punishment; he needs help. That's the message he is sending." 
— Thich Nhat Hanh


I think the angry bird was suffering.  I stopped shooing him away.  I thought, I wish I could help this bird.  I wish I could do something to help this bird's spirit.  I still am befuddled by how I could help him, so I'm still sort of working on that.  However, what I CAN do, is focus on how I can help those people in my life whose spirit is suffering as well. I can understand that they sometimes need to vent their suffering.  I can treat them with compassion instead of angst.  I can break the cycle of misery, and perhaps start a whole new cycle of good will. I've found that not only are negative thoughts contagious, but positive thoughts are as well. Why not start something good, rather than carry on the bad? Pay it forward, or so to speak.

I have a challenge for you. Try it out for just ONE day.  Here's the challenge:  Try to smile at everyone you see as you walk down the street.  I bet you'll be pleasantly surprised at the results.

This is just one of the ways I'm trying to better my life. I hope that by sharing my story and philosophies, that perhaps, just maybe....I've succeeded in starting a new positive cycle.

Running Through the Wall

It's time I talk about running.  I used to think there were two types of people in this world. Those who run for sport, and those who run, only if being chased.  For about 85% of my life, I was the latter.  Running just wasn't my thing.  It was something my dad did. It was his hobby, his livelihood. I just, didn't do that. Then, in my 20's, I started to really gain weight. We lived up in Calais, Maine, and there was absolutely nothing to do. I did nothing but sit around, eat, and get depressed.  So needless to say, I was large. Very large. I did try to do something about it, though.  I decided to try walking/running.  Thing is, whenever it got hard, I would just stop. Give up.  I'd tell myself I'm not a good runner. Then I'd go home and eat pizza and drink beer. Talk about a flawed system.

So, after the birth of my daughter, I got heavy, and really unhealthy again. This time, I really wanted to run. I asked my folks if they would let us use the treadmill/clothes hanger that they weren't using. At first, they hemmed and hawed a bit, but begrudgingly, they brought it up here for us to use.  I started out slowly walking. At first, I went 2 miles. Every time. Then Brennan told me that the distance on that treadmill was way off, and I was walking less than I thought.  I felt sort of guilty. Like I was being a "wuss". So, I started to walk a bit, then run a bit. Walk, run, walk, run.  I felt better, and the weight had started to come off a little. Instead of getting discouraged, and thinking that it wasn't fast enough, I just got inspired. SOMETHING was working. So I kept it up, and shortened my distance. I'd go for 30 minutes, but really slow.  As the days went on, it got easier, and easier, and I was actually jogging.

It came time for me to move it outside. The first time I ran out in the real world, I went close to 2 miles on the bike path near my parents house. It was just so hard. The road is a lot more unforgiving than a bouncy treadmill, so my legs were incredibly sore. To put it bluntly, it really sucked.  Then I got home and saw the beaming look on my dad's face. He seemed so excited that his little girl had just gone for a run. I've always been a "daddy's girl", and to please my father is motivation enough. So, I kept it up. Next thing you know, I was running a 5k distance.  More motivation. I felt like I was really on top of things, so Brennan and I decided to sign up for a real race.  A 10k (6.2 miles). That, to me, seemed like an impossible task. I'd never run that far in my entire life.  But, it was a goal.  It was something to look forward to, and show my self worth.  So, despite how hard it was, I trained for it.  After my first 4 miler, I was so tired, I just started to get mad.  Now normally, that's where I'd give up and say, "Screw this.  I just can't do it. It's too hard."   But something inside me decided to channel the anger. This is where the most pivotal moment in my running career happened.  I broke through a "wall". I would just say to myself, "Run harder Kristi. Make it all go away. Run. Run harder."   So I did.  Suddenly, it wasn't as hard. I was just...running.  It felt amazing. I was DOING it.  So after finishing my first race, the feeling of accomplishment was strong in me. I wanted more. I was addicted.  So we kept it up. We just kept running. It was, a healthful hobby I guess.

Then I realized running was where I was doing most of my "thinking". It was almost cathartic for me.  2010 was a very difficult year for me.  I swear to this day, one of the things that helped me live through it, was running. When my sister first told me she had cancer, I didn't know what to think. My brain started running around like crazy, so I just said to myself.  "Go out and run."  So I ran and ran and ran, and I cried and cried and cried. Running was almost like my therapy. I ran when I found out my Nana was dying. I ran when Brennan and I were fighting. I ran for everything.  Then I decided that I was going to run a half marathon.  It seemed ridiculous, but I was going to give it my best shot.

It was very strenuous, crazy training. 7 miles, then 8, then 9, and pow...next thing ya know, I was going 11. When the time came to run 13, I rocked it. But I didn't do it just for me. It was for my sister, my father, everyone. It's hard to say what running that race meant to me.  And to have done it again, with NO training and while sick?  Well, that's another story, but I did that too.

So it comes down to this. Running has become more than just a way to lose weight for me.  It's become more than just being healthy. It's about breaking down walls. It's about determination.  It's about proving to myself that I can do this. It's about endurance. It's my life now. It's what I do.  And I've never ever been more true to myself.

" I just don't feel like it. "

So up to now, my blog entries haven't been super personal.  I've revealed a lot about me, but I've never just shown raw emotion.  I'm having a bit of a rough one today, and I feel like it's necessary. So....here goes.

"I really just don't feel like it."

Why is it that this phrase enters my mouth so frequently?   I mean, as humans, sometimes this attitude just happens.  It's natural. We know we have a task, yet it doesn't seem appealing at the moment, so we just toss it out of our minds. Dismiss it. Say, " Eh, I don't feel like it".  This happens to the best of us...every once in a while. But in my world, this attitude is a staple.  For example, I really should clean the house, but, I just don't feel like it.  Reality is, cleaning might not be so bad. I could throw on some good music, get myself a lovely beverage and pound it out. But, I so often can't see the forest for the trees.  I seem to always get caught up on what SOUNDS like an annoyance.  It sounds like "work".  Now, I know that sometimes, work has to happen.  It's just part of life.  The thing that bothers me, is that I'm constantly left wondering how I can make things easier.  I'm always wanting to avoid work. This just doesn't make sense to me. I feel like people should WANT to work.  Shouldn't they? You work, you get things done, you feel good about yourself.  You feel...productive. Yet, there I am, dodging responsibility, doing things that only make ME feel good.  It's one of my most unflattering qualities.  It's almost... selfish of me.  Sometimes I think that it's definitely an attitude that is black or white. You're either a martyr or a lazy ass.  Plain and simple.  Thing is, it's not always so cut and dry.  There's a happy balance in there somewhere.  It's pretty tricky finding it.  I'm still looking, actually.

Now, I have no idea why this attitude is so prominent with me.  I'm sure most would just chalk it up to my depression.  And it more than likely is.  I just can't help but wonder why I do this.  I feel it's not just my disease.  It's something else.  Why can't I just up and do things?  This, my friends, is the question.  I just want to know what it is about me that avoids things.

Perhaps this is me being too critical of myself. Perhaps there's a ring of truth.  I don't really know.  It's just one of those questions that will always be on the back of my mind.  One of life's largest enigmas. It was just something that seemed to be burning my brain.  Something I needed to purge.

Yeah, I guess I still have my days, huh?

Life, and Genetics. What a concept!

As I sit here and watch my daughter dangle a toothbrush dangerously close to a big ol' box fan, I remind her sternly to not put ANYTHING in the fan. Ever. Then I think to myself, "I remember doing stuff like that as a kid, too.  She must get that sense of curiosity from me." Then, I recall a time in Mrs. Heffernan's second grade class, when I stapled my thumb, just because I wanted to know how it felt.  Of course, when I felt shooting pain coming from my appendage, I realized that this was completely stupid, and I played it off like it was an accident.  That's TOTALLY something Audrey would do.  I just think it's uncanny how genetics works like that.  She really, truly is a little piece of me.  It's simply an amazing concept in my mind.  I mean, I can understand the x's and y's, and whether she has blue or brown eyes.  I get that.  But to actually inherit little quirks and personality traits is just amazing.  It gets pretty specific too.  I mean, it goes right down to the fact that she likes to dress up as a princess, she's afraid of bees, and loves to perform in front of a crowd. That's exactly what I was like as a child.  Now, I know that some of these traits are probably learned, and not inherited.  However, I like to go ahead and think she inherited them.  So, just let me have my little reverie here.    


Life is such a truly mind boggling concept sometimes.  There are so many ups and downs, and ins and outs.  So many trials and tribulations. Seeing my child grow up in front of my eyes has been a true gift.  It also makes me appreciate life, and living in general.  When I was in my darkest of dark spots in my depression, my daughter was my reason to carry on.  She was my motivation.  I'm sure she couldn't understand that now, but when she is old enough to appreciate and fully understand it, I'm going to let her know how much she means to me.   Now that I'm in the light, and I can see life for what it really is, I can try to truly feel whole.  That is my largest goal in life I'd say: to feel whole.  But anyway, I suppose this is a bit off the topic of genetics, huh?   Eh, let's just say it was what sparked my idea for this short, but sweet entry.  


I guess it's back to wrangling the princess, whose lips bear a striking resemblance to her mommy's. 

A new start

Well, I guess this is how I start.  I suppose I'll say a little about myself, so things make a little bit of sense when you read the malarkey that is my blog.

I'm a 37 year old kid.  Ask anyone who knows me, and they'll agree.  I stay at home with my amazing, 4 year old mass of goodness I call my daughter, Audrey.  I live with her and my husband, Brennan, in beautiful, Williston, Vermont.  Yup, the majestic, "green mountain state".  It's pretty freakin' beautiful, and I'd say I'm lucky to be living in such a great state. There's so much more to it than maple syrup and skiing.  Really.

My passion is Bikram yoga.  It's a whole separate blog entry in its own. I'll surely be talking about it.  Like, soon. I'll just say this: I wish I could do it EVERY day. Twice a day. To quote the cheesiest line in all movie history....It "completes me".

I also run. Yes, on purpose.  It's a great way to stay in shape, and keep a clear head.  I do some of my best thinking when I run. I've always had issues with my weight (another long story) and the sole reason for my recent loss is, well.. running.  People ask me, "Oh wow Kristi, how did you lose so much weight?"  I say.... "I got off my ass and ran.".  It's true.  So yeah, running=clutch.

 I also love to travel.  I haven't done much since I've had Audrey, but I really, REALLY hope I get to do more soon.  I love spicy foods, the color purple ( the actual color, not the play), and coffee. I love reading poems from Rumi and inspirational quotes from Thich Nhat Hanh.

I was a theatre major in college, and this is quite obvious to those who know me.  I'm very animated, and my true calling is on stage.  Unfortunately, I haven't done much with it, but that's totally my fault.

I have an older sister who just beat cancer. Today was her last treatment.  Words really can't say how inspirational she is to me.  She always has been. Today was a big day for her. I'm so proud.  I really am. That also, will be another blog entry, I'm sure.

So not everyone knows this, but I suffer from severe depression.  I have for most of my life.  I just haven't been diagnosed until somewhat recently. Now, this might come as a shock to some. People might look at me, and my smiling face, and never guess that is the case. This is simply because I've been treating it.  It's very much a part of my life, and I have come to grips with it.  It's definitely been one of my most difficult struggles, but I feel like I finally have a grip on it....30 something years later.  So, because of this, a symbol that is extremely important to me is one of the Phoenix.  It symbolizes my rising from the ashes.  A whole new me.  I still really want to get this tattooed on me, but I haven't yet.

So I think I'm done for now.  It's a good glimpse of "me in a bucket".