" I just don't feel like it. "

So up to now, my blog entries haven't been super personal.  I've revealed a lot about me, but I've never just shown raw emotion.  I'm having a bit of a rough one today, and I feel like it's necessary. So....here goes.

"I really just don't feel like it."

Why is it that this phrase enters my mouth so frequently?   I mean, as humans, sometimes this attitude just happens.  It's natural. We know we have a task, yet it doesn't seem appealing at the moment, so we just toss it out of our minds. Dismiss it. Say, " Eh, I don't feel like it".  This happens to the best of us...every once in a while. But in my world, this attitude is a staple.  For example, I really should clean the house, but, I just don't feel like it.  Reality is, cleaning might not be so bad. I could throw on some good music, get myself a lovely beverage and pound it out. But, I so often can't see the forest for the trees.  I seem to always get caught up on what SOUNDS like an annoyance.  It sounds like "work".  Now, I know that sometimes, work has to happen.  It's just part of life.  The thing that bothers me, is that I'm constantly left wondering how I can make things easier.  I'm always wanting to avoid work. This just doesn't make sense to me. I feel like people should WANT to work.  Shouldn't they? You work, you get things done, you feel good about yourself.  You feel...productive. Yet, there I am, dodging responsibility, doing things that only make ME feel good.  It's one of my most unflattering qualities.  It's almost... selfish of me.  Sometimes I think that it's definitely an attitude that is black or white. You're either a martyr or a lazy ass.  Plain and simple.  Thing is, it's not always so cut and dry.  There's a happy balance in there somewhere.  It's pretty tricky finding it.  I'm still looking, actually.

Now, I have no idea why this attitude is so prominent with me.  I'm sure most would just chalk it up to my depression.  And it more than likely is.  I just can't help but wonder why I do this.  I feel it's not just my disease.  It's something else.  Why can't I just up and do things?  This, my friends, is the question.  I just want to know what it is about me that avoids things.

Perhaps this is me being too critical of myself. Perhaps there's a ring of truth.  I don't really know.  It's just one of those questions that will always be on the back of my mind.  One of life's largest enigmas. It was just something that seemed to be burning my brain.  Something I needed to purge.

Yeah, I guess I still have my days, huh?