Who's Life is This, Anyway?

So it's been a very difficult time for me lately. I've been going through quite an emotional crisis of sorts.  I am told I'm just "going through a mid-life crisis", but I think it's more than that. I think this is sort of a catharsis or something. I think it's taken me 38 years now to realize what I should have, so long ago.  I have only been living my life in regards to others, never for just...me.  Any decision that I make completely revolves around how other people will react, or how others will think of me.  I've struggled with this my entire lifetime.  I've never lived my life for me. Only rarely have I ever done something because it's something I want to do, and I just do it, no matter what anyone says. I think it's because I don't trust my own judgement.  I lack the confidence in myself to just say, "hey, I'm doing this, it's a good idea, and I feel right doing it. Period."  Or that I just have been raised to be a caring person, and I just took it to an extreme.  But hey, I'm a Scorpio, we do that.  Anyway. I often think that I need to start thinking more like the old oxygen mask analogy.  You know how on an airplane, they always suggest that if there is a pressure change in the cabin, place the oxygen mask over YOURSELF first, then place one on your child, etc.  I've been putting everyone else's oxygen mask on first.  I think I need to realize that if I'm not happy, no one else will be either. Thing is, now that I've lived my whole life this way, it's just so hard to change it....actually start doing things for me. Because I WANT to.  How does one just, start?  Is there any way to gradually just ease into this new way of life? Or is my only choice to just jump in the deep end. Just go for it.  Honestly, I don't really know how I'm going to do this, but at least I've come to grips with the simple fact that it is an issue of mine. One that I need to work on, from now, until the day I die.  So, my first step is that I've started looking for jobs again.  Time to go out and get back to work.  Being a stay at home mom is wonderful, and an amazing opportunity to have had, but I simply can NOT do it anymore.  I think it makes my depression worse.  I think it makes me think negatively.  It makes me feel trapped.  So, I'm out there again.  I've lined up a few prospects, and hopefully at least ONE will work out.  So that's my step.  Whether I just sort of use it to head into the shallow end and gradually get used to it, or whether I just use it as a beginning to just jump in...I really haven't figured that out yet...but my heart is telling me to jump. My heart says, "this is NOT working for you Kristi. Let's try something else".  So, who knows. I guess all I can do is wait and see...