Alone, again.

So, I know it's been a while.  I must say, my depression has kept me very quiet lately. I guess I just wasn't feeling like I wanted to write so much.  But...I thought about it, and I finally decided that yes, indeed, it would help for me to just write, and get this out.  So, here goes:

So I've decided that my only fear isn't just my fear of spiders.  I also have an intense fear of being alone.  I just can't stand it.  I tend to withdraw, feel sad, and need SOMETHING to distract me from being alone.  I guess I'm just the kind of person that loves to talk to people. A lot.  Now, I realize that someone could easily say, "well, it's not like your daughter isn't there to keep you company".  This is true, but I am finding that I CRAVE adult conversation.  I enjoy having a true discussion with someone instead of saying, "How does a nice girl ask?" or "there is no reason to fuss!" over and over.  Now, don't get me wrong, I LOVE my daughter like nothing else.  She is my saving grace....my life.  But...I think I just need to be Kristi sometimes....not "Mommy".  So despite her being here, I just have found that I feel so alone during the day.  It's scary. It makes me feel anxious and sad. I suppose I somehow internalize it and feel like it's because no one WANTS to be with me.  In my wise mind, I know this isn't true, but my irrational self somehow wins almost every time.  I get really down on myself, and immediately think I've done this to myself.   A vicious cycle, if you will.

Now, here is the other issue.  I have this innate ability to absolutely smother people.  I just want people to be with me all the time. Maybe it's because I have this stupid fear of being alone.  I'm not sure.  I just know that I tend to pretty much force myself upon people.  Then, when they've had enough of me, and when all they need is a little space, I assume they are mad at me, or hate me.  I always think it's me, not them.  I am always so self absorbed.  I find myself wishing that was something I could work on changing, but it always seems to rear its ugly head.  I never understood why it is that I can't just let people have some space and time to themselves.  I just....can't.  Now I realize....it's because I'm completely petrified of being alone.  Maybe that's weak, maybe it's silly and irrational. Thing is, I just can't help it. The only thing I can do, is try to really change this time.  And I don't expect this overnight.  I know it will be a long process.  However, the simple fact that I have realized and accepted that I do, indeed, have this fear....is the first step to curing it.