Keep what's important, and know who's your friend.

So, it goes to say that I've lost a lot of friends lately.  Some of the people I care for the most...just want absolutely nothing to do with me anymore.  I suppose it all goes with the territory. You get a divorce... people judge you... people want nothing to do with you.  In the past, this would have sent me into a tailspin.  I would have thought for sure that my life as I knew it, would just be over. Here's the difference now. ( and this illustrates what an immense amount of ground I've gained on my depression) Now, I simply have this conversation with myself..

"Well Kristi, that is horrible. It's horrible to lose people you care about. Life, is not over though. Life changes, mutates and adapts as it will. Your life is simply changing. Those people who judge you on your mistakes were probably not meant to be in your life.  If they were meant to be in my life, they'd neglect to pass judgement on me...and adapt and mutate right along with me."

I do admit though, that it gets harder and harder with each friend or family member that I lose. It is SO hard not to get down on myself, and think that they must not want anything to do with me because I'm a horrible person. It's truly an epic struggle in my head. If I weren't in the place I am now, I most certainly would lose.  I'd sink into that horrible deep dark hole that I fall into, just like I always do. That reminds me of probably one of my most cherished poems.  It very much is relevant to my life as well.

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

Chapter 1

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost ... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter 4

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter 5

I walk down another street.

~ Portia Nelson ~ 

For the longest time, I was just STUCK in chapter 3.  I simply could NOT get out of it.  It was a constant vicious cycle. However, since I've moved on, I finally thought that I had reached chapter 4.   I had a grip on things.  I could walk around with ease. The easier it got, the further I went. I'm happy and proud to say that I'm officially reaching chapter 5.  Chapter 5 represents my letting go of my old life, including those who no longer to choose to be in it.

Probably my favorite line from any Phish song (my passion) is the title of this blog entry."Keep what's important, and know who's your friend." It's so wonderfully honest. It may take some time to really TRULY realize what it means, but when you do...it hits you like a brick.  It's made me realize that it's time to re-arrange my priorities.  It's time to start anew. Time for a different street. THAT'S what's important. It's time for me to take charge of my life. Time for me to truly " keep what's important and know who's my friend". 

Change. It's Freakin' hard.

So...I'm fairly sure people have noticed that I've put my whole world out on my sleeve these days.  It's quite obvious to even the most oblivious of people. Yes, my marriage is over. Everything I once knew, is now completely foreign.  My family is dissolved, my whole world is turned upside down.  I won't lie, it's been really difficult adjusting to this sudden shift in reality. It's challenging to constantly think differently, and not like I always did for 17 years.  It's hard to see others moving on in their lives.   It's hard to be different, period.  Thing is, hard doesn't necessarily mean bad.

To be honest, I've never been happier. I've found my independence. I've found a purpose. I've finally experienced how it feels to be truly loved.   I've found that despite what my depressed me says, I really can do ANYTHING.  I can rock two jobs, handle being a single mom, withstand morning after morning of getting up at 5am to get myself ready, to get my daughter ready, to get her to daycare, then get myself to work in time, to get myself to my other job when I'm done with the first, then back to daycare, then home to make supper, get Audrey to bed, and still manage to keep a smile on my face.  Indeed, I do struggle.  I struggle EVERY DAY.  But I've learned that struggling isn't always a bad thing.  I've said before that it's the "hard" that makes it all worth it.  If it were easy, then it would be truly unsatisfying. I would have no feelings of accomplishment, no feelings of worth, no wonderful feelings of overcoming a completely arduous situation.  Those, are some of the most gratifying feelings ever experienced.  They are feelings I've not truly felt until recently.  My new mantra?  "I can do that myself."

Now please don't infer that I think my past was a horrible one.  It's quite the opposite.  I am truly privileged to have led the life I've led up until now.  I love, and respect the life I've led.  I just can't live it anymore.  I hope people can understand, and honor that fact. I know some may have issues with this statement, but I simply must say it.  I have to live my life with no regrets.  No regrets.  Just forward movement.  Positive, happy, forward motion.

I'm sure anyone would agree with me in stating that change takes some getting used to.  It's confusing.  It tears us apart, then throws us together again.  It provokes our doubts and our uncertainties. Of course, we do have our exhilarating feelings of "newness".  It's exciting, and terrifying all at the same time. But when change is necessary, you just know it.  You get the feeling of intolerance of your every day.  You wake up wishing that your life was someone else's.  In my opinion, that is just not the way to go about our short time given to us in this world.  You need to live the life you were destined to live.  I suppose it just takes people a while to figure out just what that is.  I consider myself lucky enough to have discovered this at age 39, rather than 60.

Change can affect us in so many ways, but for me, it got a little bit redonkulous. I know most people are aware that I struggle daily with chronic depression. It was plain to see that I had a pretty bad experience with it recently.  I came across some information that really just sent me off the deep end.  I was instantly drowning in sorrow. Depression is a truly powerful thing.  It completely consumes you.  It alters your thoughts, judgments, and actions.  It is always a truly laborious battle to fight.  Always.  I am simply lucky enough to have the most amazing people in my life to make it that much easier. I am so blessed to have so many wonderful people concerned with my well being and happiness.

You know, change can sometimes really be a bitch, but it also can unearth true, unadulterated love.  In some cases, (mine included) it can bring about what is truly meant to be.  It can produce a soul mate, and a life that you were destined to live.

So yeah....Change.  To sum it up....it's fucking hard, but it's just a part of life. Maybe John Mellencamp had it right all along.  Change.  It hurts so good.

The Year of the Phoenix

Well, another year is over.  As some of you may know, this one's been a doozy for me.  I suppose it is time to reflect and foresee the future it has brought about. Lots of people would look at my year and focus on all the negative aspects of it.  Those aspects are pretty darn negative, so I understand how it would be easy to see things that way. I know that's what I would have done in the past for sure.

But it was in this year, that I found my strength.  It was this year, that I have had so many emotions, concepts, and philosophies all introduced to me.  This year has been quite a metamorphosis of sorts for me.  I would not be where I am today, in this very moment, if I had done anything differently.

I have this purple running headband that I wear, and it just simply says on it "the journey is the real reward".  This is something that I agree wholeheartedly on.  That's what life is to me.  It's just a long, amazing journey.  My journey would not be a journey if I didn't have times when things got hard. It's what we endure, that makes us stronger in the end. I've learned quite a bit about myself this year.  I've learned that I'm never just going to "know it all".  It's all a work in progress....from day one, to the day you die. I simply can't just dismiss this year saying to myself.. "Oh thank GOD that is over. Let's start over."  The thing is, it's what I learned from this year that prevents me from making any of the same poor choices again. You live, and you learn. That's why I'm definitely going to try and start to think more in the manner of, let's see why this year was important, take what you learned from it, and  truly appreciate it for helping you learn to move forward in the right direction.

 It was the year of the Phoenix for me.  Many highs, many lows.  I guess it was a sort of an exploration of my spirituality.  What I do know for sure, is that it was truly a learning experience...and for that, I am thankful this year occurred. I know that I have made huge mistakes, and I  know I have had huge successes, and I accept them all.  So here's to next year, and more knowledge and steps down that crazy path we call our lives.  Happy New Year.

Who's Life is This, Anyway?

So it's been a very difficult time for me lately. I've been going through quite an emotional crisis of sorts.  I am told I'm just "going through a mid-life crisis", but I think it's more than that. I think this is sort of a catharsis or something. I think it's taken me 38 years now to realize what I should have, so long ago.  I have only been living my life in regards to others, never for just...me.  Any decision that I make completely revolves around how other people will react, or how others will think of me.  I've struggled with this my entire lifetime.  I've never lived my life for me. Only rarely have I ever done something because it's something I want to do, and I just do it, no matter what anyone says. I think it's because I don't trust my own judgement.  I lack the confidence in myself to just say, "hey, I'm doing this, it's a good idea, and I feel right doing it. Period."  Or that I just have been raised to be a caring person, and I just took it to an extreme.  But hey, I'm a Scorpio, we do that.  Anyway. I often think that I need to start thinking more like the old oxygen mask analogy.  You know how on an airplane, they always suggest that if there is a pressure change in the cabin, place the oxygen mask over YOURSELF first, then place one on your child, etc.  I've been putting everyone else's oxygen mask on first.  I think I need to realize that if I'm not happy, no one else will be either. Thing is, now that I've lived my whole life this way, it's just so hard to change it....actually start doing things for me. Because I WANT to.  How does one just, start?  Is there any way to gradually just ease into this new way of life? Or is my only choice to just jump in the deep end. Just go for it.  Honestly, I don't really know how I'm going to do this, but at least I've come to grips with the simple fact that it is an issue of mine. One that I need to work on, from now, until the day I die.  So, my first step is that I've started looking for jobs again.  Time to go out and get back to work.  Being a stay at home mom is wonderful, and an amazing opportunity to have had, but I simply can NOT do it anymore.  I think it makes my depression worse.  I think it makes me think negatively.  It makes me feel trapped.  So, I'm out there again.  I've lined up a few prospects, and hopefully at least ONE will work out.  So that's my step.  Whether I just sort of use it to head into the shallow end and gradually get used to it, or whether I just use it as a beginning to just jump in...I really haven't figured that out yet...but my heart is telling me to jump. My heart says, "this is NOT working for you Kristi. Let's try something else".  So, who knows. I guess all I can do is wait and see...

Alone, again.

So, I know it's been a while.  I must say, my depression has kept me very quiet lately. I guess I just wasn't feeling like I wanted to write so much.  But...I thought about it, and I finally decided that yes, indeed, it would help for me to just write, and get this out.  So, here goes:

So I've decided that my only fear isn't just my fear of spiders.  I also have an intense fear of being alone.  I just can't stand it.  I tend to withdraw, feel sad, and need SOMETHING to distract me from being alone.  I guess I'm just the kind of person that loves to talk to people. A lot.  Now, I realize that someone could easily say, "well, it's not like your daughter isn't there to keep you company".  This is true, but I am finding that I CRAVE adult conversation.  I enjoy having a true discussion with someone instead of saying, "How does a nice girl ask?" or "there is no reason to fuss!" over and over.  Now, don't get me wrong, I LOVE my daughter like nothing else.  She is my saving grace....my life.  But...I think I just need to be Kristi sometimes....not "Mommy".  So despite her being here, I just have found that I feel so alone during the day.  It's scary. It makes me feel anxious and sad. I suppose I somehow internalize it and feel like it's because no one WANTS to be with me.  In my wise mind, I know this isn't true, but my irrational self somehow wins almost every time.  I get really down on myself, and immediately think I've done this to myself.   A vicious cycle, if you will.

Now, here is the other issue.  I have this innate ability to absolutely smother people.  I just want people to be with me all the time. Maybe it's because I have this stupid fear of being alone.  I'm not sure.  I just know that I tend to pretty much force myself upon people.  Then, when they've had enough of me, and when all they need is a little space, I assume they are mad at me, or hate me.  I always think it's me, not them.  I am always so self absorbed.  I find myself wishing that was something I could work on changing, but it always seems to rear its ugly head.  I never understood why it is that I can't just let people have some space and time to themselves.  I just....can't.  Now I realize....it's because I'm completely petrified of being alone.  Maybe that's weak, maybe it's silly and irrational. Thing is, I just can't help it. The only thing I can do, is try to really change this time.  And I don't expect this overnight.  I know it will be a long process.  However, the simple fact that I have realized and accepted that I do, indeed, have this fear....is the first step to curing it.

Yeah, so what good am I?

Sometimes I wonder what it is that I have to offer.  It seems like for my whole life, I'd look at other people, and see their different talents.  I'd see something that I want to be.  It makes me wish I could be like them too.  Thing is, I just can't.  I don't have it in me. You either have it, or you don't.  I mean, there are things that I can do, but sometimes, I just want it to be something else.  I want to be someone else. Someone delightfully witty, and beautiful, and talented and funny.  Someone who knows what they are doing in life. I know people would probably say, "Well then, just DO it Kristi"  To which I would say...."well, easier said then done, my friend." 

Like how I just had a hypothetical conversation there?  Yeah, that's but ONE of the crazy things I do. Just smile, nod your head, and follow along. 

I wonder why it seems that no one is ever satisfied with what they have. No one ever wants what they have, and they never want to be who they are.  I don't know, maybe that just isn't true. Maybe it's just me.  Maybe this is just my main goal in life. To find happiness within myself. Right now, I rely on others to make me happy. It's just how it is.  One day, I hope to find the answer that will make me happy.  The thing that I need to make MYSELF happy.  As of right now, Bikram yoga is the probably the only thing that works.  I don't know if that's the end all to end all, or if that's just part of the recipe.  I suppose I'll just take this thing called life day by day and see how it goes. One day at a time. 

The Church of Love, and the Delicate Balance of Life

I have spent the morning crying on my couch. Sobbing. Why, you ask?  Because for the first time in my life, I just witnessed death.  I saw the life flow out of a living, breathing thing, right before my very eyes. A bird flew into my window, and broke its neck.  I heard the loud thump, then went out to see what happened.  I watched as the poor thing started to gasp for air.  It was tense, and in visible pain.  Then I saw its legs just relax.  The life literally poured out of him. I was taken aback.  I felt the most intense emotion welling up in me. Just watching the whole thing occur, I was overcome.  I was inundated with sadness. The bird's life was over.  Never again would it fly with the sunshine on its wings. It just seemed so, lifeless. So sad. Then a wave of "business mode" set in.  I had to take care of this.  I had to dispose of him. I didn't want my daughter to know about it, because why make her sad when she doesn't need to be. So, I pulled myself together, found a little box, picked up the poor lifeless soul, and placed him in.  The bird had blood coming from its beak.  It made my stomach drop.  Life is just so fragile.  So fragile.  I walked out behind my house.  I knew I had to get it out in the woods a bit, so there wasn't just a dead bird in my yard. Then I looked at my compost pile.  I decided to put it near that. I don't really know why I did, it was just far enough from the house, I suppose. Then I thought to myself, as I placed the freshly made earth over him, that it was life that brought him into this world, and it was a compost pile, a recycling of life that he will end it in. It seemed so symbiotic.  So full-circle. Then I looked around and I noticed the world around me.  It was so full of life. I decided that even though one life ended, there was so much life to celebrate.  Carpe diem.  I recalled a quote from my favorite poet, Rumi.

"Do not grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form."

 Rumi


I sat there with my feet on the leaves and dirt, and just had a moment.  I thought "I should say a prayer or something".  Then I realized, I'm really not a very religious person.  I believe in spirituality, but I feel like it's something that is so personalized. It's really different for everyone. What is spiritual for me, might not be for another person.  All I knew is I wanted to do something for this bird.  So I looked up, and I just "sent" the bird my love.  I believe in the power of emotion. I believe that the heart and soul is my religion. Love, is my religion. The Beatles said it right when they said, "All you need is love". I thoroughly agree. I feel if you have love in your heart, and if you feel love for others in this world, than you are truly blessed.

Who knew I could learn so much from a bird? I've decided that birds have become an important part of my life.  The connection I have with the Phoenix, the angry bird, this bird, my daughter's affection for birds...it's all connected.  They seem to be teaching me many lessons in life.  Ones that I will carry with me, for the rest of my days.