So...I'm fairly sure people have noticed that I've put my whole world out on my sleeve these days. It's quite obvious to even the most oblivious of people. Yes, my marriage is over. Everything I once knew, is now completely foreign. My family is dissolved, my whole world is turned upside down. I won't lie, it's been really difficult adjusting to this sudden shift in reality. It's challenging to constantly think differently, and not like I always did for 17 years. It's hard to see others moving on in their lives. It's hard to be different, period. Thing is, hard doesn't necessarily mean bad.
To be honest, I've never been happier. I've found my independence. I've found a purpose. I've finally experienced how it feels to be truly loved. I've found that despite what my depressed me says, I really can do ANYTHING. I can rock two jobs, handle being a single mom, withstand morning after morning of getting up at 5am to get myself ready, to get my daughter ready, to get her to daycare, then get myself to work in time, to get myself to my other job when I'm done with the first, then back to daycare, then home to make supper, get Audrey to bed, and still manage to keep a smile on my face. Indeed, I do struggle. I struggle EVERY DAY. But I've learned that struggling isn't always a bad thing. I've said before that it's the "hard" that makes it all worth it. If it were easy, then it would be truly unsatisfying. I would have no feelings of accomplishment, no feelings of worth, no wonderful feelings of overcoming a completely arduous situation. Those, are some of the most gratifying feelings ever experienced. They are feelings I've not truly felt until recently. My new mantra? "I can do that myself."
Now please don't infer that I think my past was a horrible one. It's quite the opposite. I am truly privileged to have led the life I've led up until now. I love, and respect the life I've led. I just can't live it anymore. I hope people can understand, and honor that fact. I know some may have issues with this statement, but I simply must say it. I have to live my life with no regrets. No regrets. Just forward movement. Positive, happy, forward motion.
I'm sure anyone would agree with me in stating that change takes some getting used to. It's confusing. It tears us apart, then throws us together again. It provokes our doubts and our uncertainties. Of course, we do have our exhilarating feelings of "newness". It's exciting, and terrifying all at the same time. But when change is necessary, you just know it. You get the feeling of intolerance of your every day. You wake up wishing that your life was someone else's. In my opinion, that is just not the way to go about our short time given to us in this world. You need to live the life you were destined to live. I suppose it just takes people a while to figure out just what that is. I consider myself lucky enough to have discovered this at age 39, rather than 60.
Change can affect us in so many ways, but for me, it got a little bit redonkulous. I know most people are aware that I struggle daily with chronic depression. It was plain to see that I had a pretty bad experience with it recently. I came across some information that really just sent me off the deep end. I was instantly drowning in sorrow. Depression is a truly powerful thing. It completely consumes you. It alters your thoughts, judgments, and actions. It is always a truly laborious battle to fight. Always. I am simply lucky enough to have the most amazing people in my life to make it that much easier. I am so blessed to have so many wonderful people concerned with my well being and happiness.
You know, change can sometimes really be a bitch, but it also can unearth true, unadulterated love. In some cases, (mine included) it can bring about what is truly meant to be. It can produce a soul mate, and a life that you were destined to live.
So yeah....Change. To sum it up....it's fucking hard, but it's just a part of life. Maybe John Mellencamp had it right all along. Change. It hurts so good.
No comments:
Post a Comment