" I just don't feel like it. "

So up to now, my blog entries haven't been super personal.  I've revealed a lot about me, but I've never just shown raw emotion.  I'm having a bit of a rough one today, and I feel like it's necessary. So....here goes.

"I really just don't feel like it."

Why is it that this phrase enters my mouth so frequently?   I mean, as humans, sometimes this attitude just happens.  It's natural. We know we have a task, yet it doesn't seem appealing at the moment, so we just toss it out of our minds. Dismiss it. Say, " Eh, I don't feel like it".  This happens to the best of us...every once in a while. But in my world, this attitude is a staple.  For example, I really should clean the house, but, I just don't feel like it.  Reality is, cleaning might not be so bad. I could throw on some good music, get myself a lovely beverage and pound it out. But, I so often can't see the forest for the trees.  I seem to always get caught up on what SOUNDS like an annoyance.  It sounds like "work".  Now, I know that sometimes, work has to happen.  It's just part of life.  The thing that bothers me, is that I'm constantly left wondering how I can make things easier.  I'm always wanting to avoid work. This just doesn't make sense to me. I feel like people should WANT to work.  Shouldn't they? You work, you get things done, you feel good about yourself.  You feel...productive. Yet, there I am, dodging responsibility, doing things that only make ME feel good.  It's one of my most unflattering qualities.  It's almost... selfish of me.  Sometimes I think that it's definitely an attitude that is black or white. You're either a martyr or a lazy ass.  Plain and simple.  Thing is, it's not always so cut and dry.  There's a happy balance in there somewhere.  It's pretty tricky finding it.  I'm still looking, actually.

Now, I have no idea why this attitude is so prominent with me.  I'm sure most would just chalk it up to my depression.  And it more than likely is.  I just can't help but wonder why I do this.  I feel it's not just my disease.  It's something else.  Why can't I just up and do things?  This, my friends, is the question.  I just want to know what it is about me that avoids things.

Perhaps this is me being too critical of myself. Perhaps there's a ring of truth.  I don't really know.  It's just one of those questions that will always be on the back of my mind.  One of life's largest enigmas. It was just something that seemed to be burning my brain.  Something I needed to purge.

Yeah, I guess I still have my days, huh?

Life, and Genetics. What a concept!

As I sit here and watch my daughter dangle a toothbrush dangerously close to a big ol' box fan, I remind her sternly to not put ANYTHING in the fan. Ever. Then I think to myself, "I remember doing stuff like that as a kid, too.  She must get that sense of curiosity from me." Then, I recall a time in Mrs. Heffernan's second grade class, when I stapled my thumb, just because I wanted to know how it felt.  Of course, when I felt shooting pain coming from my appendage, I realized that this was completely stupid, and I played it off like it was an accident.  That's TOTALLY something Audrey would do.  I just think it's uncanny how genetics works like that.  She really, truly is a little piece of me.  It's simply an amazing concept in my mind.  I mean, I can understand the x's and y's, and whether she has blue or brown eyes.  I get that.  But to actually inherit little quirks and personality traits is just amazing.  It gets pretty specific too.  I mean, it goes right down to the fact that she likes to dress up as a princess, she's afraid of bees, and loves to perform in front of a crowd. That's exactly what I was like as a child.  Now, I know that some of these traits are probably learned, and not inherited.  However, I like to go ahead and think she inherited them.  So, just let me have my little reverie here.    


Life is such a truly mind boggling concept sometimes.  There are so many ups and downs, and ins and outs.  So many trials and tribulations. Seeing my child grow up in front of my eyes has been a true gift.  It also makes me appreciate life, and living in general.  When I was in my darkest of dark spots in my depression, my daughter was my reason to carry on.  She was my motivation.  I'm sure she couldn't understand that now, but when she is old enough to appreciate and fully understand it, I'm going to let her know how much she means to me.   Now that I'm in the light, and I can see life for what it really is, I can try to truly feel whole.  That is my largest goal in life I'd say: to feel whole.  But anyway, I suppose this is a bit off the topic of genetics, huh?   Eh, let's just say it was what sparked my idea for this short, but sweet entry.  


I guess it's back to wrangling the princess, whose lips bear a striking resemblance to her mommy's. 

A new start

Well, I guess this is how I start.  I suppose I'll say a little about myself, so things make a little bit of sense when you read the malarkey that is my blog.

I'm a 37 year old kid.  Ask anyone who knows me, and they'll agree.  I stay at home with my amazing, 4 year old mass of goodness I call my daughter, Audrey.  I live with her and my husband, Brennan, in beautiful, Williston, Vermont.  Yup, the majestic, "green mountain state".  It's pretty freakin' beautiful, and I'd say I'm lucky to be living in such a great state. There's so much more to it than maple syrup and skiing.  Really.

My passion is Bikram yoga.  It's a whole separate blog entry in its own. I'll surely be talking about it.  Like, soon. I'll just say this: I wish I could do it EVERY day. Twice a day. To quote the cheesiest line in all movie history....It "completes me".

I also run. Yes, on purpose.  It's a great way to stay in shape, and keep a clear head.  I do some of my best thinking when I run. I've always had issues with my weight (another long story) and the sole reason for my recent loss is, well.. running.  People ask me, "Oh wow Kristi, how did you lose so much weight?"  I say.... "I got off my ass and ran.".  It's true.  So yeah, running=clutch.

 I also love to travel.  I haven't done much since I've had Audrey, but I really, REALLY hope I get to do more soon.  I love spicy foods, the color purple ( the actual color, not the play), and coffee. I love reading poems from Rumi and inspirational quotes from Thich Nhat Hanh.

I was a theatre major in college, and this is quite obvious to those who know me.  I'm very animated, and my true calling is on stage.  Unfortunately, I haven't done much with it, but that's totally my fault.

I have an older sister who just beat cancer. Today was her last treatment.  Words really can't say how inspirational she is to me.  She always has been. Today was a big day for her. I'm so proud.  I really am. That also, will be another blog entry, I'm sure.

So not everyone knows this, but I suffer from severe depression.  I have for most of my life.  I just haven't been diagnosed until somewhat recently. Now, this might come as a shock to some. People might look at me, and my smiling face, and never guess that is the case. This is simply because I've been treating it.  It's very much a part of my life, and I have come to grips with it.  It's definitely been one of my most difficult struggles, but I feel like I finally have a grip on it....30 something years later.  So, because of this, a symbol that is extremely important to me is one of the Phoenix.  It symbolizes my rising from the ashes.  A whole new me.  I still really want to get this tattooed on me, but I haven't yet.

So I think I'm done for now.  It's a good glimpse of "me in a bucket".