Keep what's important, and know who's your friend.

So, it goes to say that I've lost a lot of friends lately.  Some of the people I care for the most...just want absolutely nothing to do with me anymore.  I suppose it all goes with the territory. You get a divorce... people judge you... people want nothing to do with you.  In the past, this would have sent me into a tailspin.  I would have thought for sure that my life as I knew it, would just be over. Here's the difference now. ( and this illustrates what an immense amount of ground I've gained on my depression) Now, I simply have this conversation with myself..

"Well Kristi, that is horrible. It's horrible to lose people you care about. Life, is not over though. Life changes, mutates and adapts as it will. Your life is simply changing. Those people who judge you on your mistakes were probably not meant to be in your life.  If they were meant to be in my life, they'd neglect to pass judgement on me...and adapt and mutate right along with me."

I do admit though, that it gets harder and harder with each friend or family member that I lose. It is SO hard not to get down on myself, and think that they must not want anything to do with me because I'm a horrible person. It's truly an epic struggle in my head. If I weren't in the place I am now, I most certainly would lose.  I'd sink into that horrible deep dark hole that I fall into, just like I always do. That reminds me of probably one of my most cherished poems.  It very much is relevant to my life as well.

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

Chapter 1

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost ... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter 4

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter 5

I walk down another street.

~ Portia Nelson ~ 

For the longest time, I was just STUCK in chapter 3.  I simply could NOT get out of it.  It was a constant vicious cycle. However, since I've moved on, I finally thought that I had reached chapter 4.   I had a grip on things.  I could walk around with ease. The easier it got, the further I went. I'm happy and proud to say that I'm officially reaching chapter 5.  Chapter 5 represents my letting go of my old life, including those who no longer to choose to be in it.

Probably my favorite line from any Phish song (my passion) is the title of this blog entry."Keep what's important, and know who's your friend." It's so wonderfully honest. It may take some time to really TRULY realize what it means, but when you do...it hits you like a brick.  It's made me realize that it's time to re-arrange my priorities.  It's time to start anew. Time for a different street. THAT'S what's important. It's time for me to take charge of my life. Time for me to truly " keep what's important and know who's my friend". 

Change. It's Freakin' hard.

So...I'm fairly sure people have noticed that I've put my whole world out on my sleeve these days.  It's quite obvious to even the most oblivious of people. Yes, my marriage is over. Everything I once knew, is now completely foreign.  My family is dissolved, my whole world is turned upside down.  I won't lie, it's been really difficult adjusting to this sudden shift in reality. It's challenging to constantly think differently, and not like I always did for 17 years.  It's hard to see others moving on in their lives.   It's hard to be different, period.  Thing is, hard doesn't necessarily mean bad.

To be honest, I've never been happier. I've found my independence. I've found a purpose. I've finally experienced how it feels to be truly loved.   I've found that despite what my depressed me says, I really can do ANYTHING.  I can rock two jobs, handle being a single mom, withstand morning after morning of getting up at 5am to get myself ready, to get my daughter ready, to get her to daycare, then get myself to work in time, to get myself to my other job when I'm done with the first, then back to daycare, then home to make supper, get Audrey to bed, and still manage to keep a smile on my face.  Indeed, I do struggle.  I struggle EVERY DAY.  But I've learned that struggling isn't always a bad thing.  I've said before that it's the "hard" that makes it all worth it.  If it were easy, then it would be truly unsatisfying. I would have no feelings of accomplishment, no feelings of worth, no wonderful feelings of overcoming a completely arduous situation.  Those, are some of the most gratifying feelings ever experienced.  They are feelings I've not truly felt until recently.  My new mantra?  "I can do that myself."

Now please don't infer that I think my past was a horrible one.  It's quite the opposite.  I am truly privileged to have led the life I've led up until now.  I love, and respect the life I've led.  I just can't live it anymore.  I hope people can understand, and honor that fact. I know some may have issues with this statement, but I simply must say it.  I have to live my life with no regrets.  No regrets.  Just forward movement.  Positive, happy, forward motion.

I'm sure anyone would agree with me in stating that change takes some getting used to.  It's confusing.  It tears us apart, then throws us together again.  It provokes our doubts and our uncertainties. Of course, we do have our exhilarating feelings of "newness".  It's exciting, and terrifying all at the same time. But when change is necessary, you just know it.  You get the feeling of intolerance of your every day.  You wake up wishing that your life was someone else's.  In my opinion, that is just not the way to go about our short time given to us in this world.  You need to live the life you were destined to live.  I suppose it just takes people a while to figure out just what that is.  I consider myself lucky enough to have discovered this at age 39, rather than 60.

Change can affect us in so many ways, but for me, it got a little bit redonkulous. I know most people are aware that I struggle daily with chronic depression. It was plain to see that I had a pretty bad experience with it recently.  I came across some information that really just sent me off the deep end.  I was instantly drowning in sorrow. Depression is a truly powerful thing.  It completely consumes you.  It alters your thoughts, judgments, and actions.  It is always a truly laborious battle to fight.  Always.  I am simply lucky enough to have the most amazing people in my life to make it that much easier. I am so blessed to have so many wonderful people concerned with my well being and happiness.

You know, change can sometimes really be a bitch, but it also can unearth true, unadulterated love.  In some cases, (mine included) it can bring about what is truly meant to be.  It can produce a soul mate, and a life that you were destined to live.

So yeah....Change.  To sum it up....it's fucking hard, but it's just a part of life. Maybe John Mellencamp had it right all along.  Change.  It hurts so good.