Keep what's important, and know who's your friend.

So, it goes to say that I've lost a lot of friends lately.  Some of the people I care for the most...just want absolutely nothing to do with me anymore.  I suppose it all goes with the territory. You get a divorce... people judge you... people want nothing to do with you.  In the past, this would have sent me into a tailspin.  I would have thought for sure that my life as I knew it, would just be over. Here's the difference now. ( and this illustrates what an immense amount of ground I've gained on my depression) Now, I simply have this conversation with myself..

"Well Kristi, that is horrible. It's horrible to lose people you care about. Life, is not over though. Life changes, mutates and adapts as it will. Your life is simply changing. Those people who judge you on your mistakes were probably not meant to be in your life.  If they were meant to be in my life, they'd neglect to pass judgement on me...and adapt and mutate right along with me."

I do admit though, that it gets harder and harder with each friend or family member that I lose. It is SO hard not to get down on myself, and think that they must not want anything to do with me because I'm a horrible person. It's truly an epic struggle in my head. If I weren't in the place I am now, I most certainly would lose.  I'd sink into that horrible deep dark hole that I fall into, just like I always do. That reminds me of probably one of my most cherished poems.  It very much is relevant to my life as well.

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

Chapter 1

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost ... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter 4

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter 5

I walk down another street.

~ Portia Nelson ~ 

For the longest time, I was just STUCK in chapter 3.  I simply could NOT get out of it.  It was a constant vicious cycle. However, since I've moved on, I finally thought that I had reached chapter 4.   I had a grip on things.  I could walk around with ease. The easier it got, the further I went. I'm happy and proud to say that I'm officially reaching chapter 5.  Chapter 5 represents my letting go of my old life, including those who no longer to choose to be in it.

Probably my favorite line from any Phish song (my passion) is the title of this blog entry."Keep what's important, and know who's your friend." It's so wonderfully honest. It may take some time to really TRULY realize what it means, but when you do...it hits you like a brick.  It's made me realize that it's time to re-arrange my priorities.  It's time to start anew. Time for a different street. THAT'S what's important. It's time for me to take charge of my life. Time for me to truly " keep what's important and know who's my friend".